Jokes and jokes and jokes
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anticlmber
- Posts: 3393
- Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2003 12:34 am
Old but good:
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the
wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest
house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up
there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice
said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all
over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the
broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a
genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that
you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each
one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do
you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in
the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from
fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,
honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for
you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of
non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and
asked, How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO SHIT." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in
genies?"
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the
wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest
house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up
there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice
said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all
over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the
broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a
genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that
you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each
one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do
you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in
the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from
fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,
honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for
you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of
non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and
asked, How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO SHIT." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in
genies?"
"Dying?" Man, that's the last thing I want to do. - overheard
Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the
shadows. "Twenty dollars .."she whispers. He'd never
been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell,
it's only twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a
minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a
police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making luff to my Vife ," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Vell," says Ole, " I din't neder, 'til you shine that damn
light in her face.
shadows. "Twenty dollars .."she whispers. He'd never
been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell,
it's only twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a
minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a
police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making luff to my Vife ," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Vell," says Ole, " I din't neder, 'til you shine that damn
light in her face.
How you compare may not be as important as to whom you are compared
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman.
Waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her
from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No,
....................I'm your son's teacher."
Waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her
from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No,
....................I'm your son's teacher."
I know the pun is the lowest form of humor - but these made me laugh.
Humor for Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Humor for Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
"Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game." ~ Under the Tuscan Sun
A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar drinking and bragging about their shooting accuracy.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice".
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice".
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."