Dead Declared 'Life-Challenged'
By Brian Silver
In a startling move, President Bush has ordered the resuscitation of the cryogenically frozen head of former Major League Baseball slugger, Ted Williams.
“Mr. Williams was a heckuva ballplayer and a heckuva American. It is of vital importance that we resuscitate his frozen, lifeless head so that other Americans currently suffering from death have the quality of life assured to them by the Constitution of the United States, which I am currently rewriting,” the President said, adding a cryptic closing remark of, “Texas.”
Tennessee Senator, Bill Frist (R), who is also a physician added, “While it is true that Mr. Williams is currently suffering from a lack of pulse, brain function and torso, we cannot for certain say that he is truly dead. We would be remiss to conclude that he is dead by simply pointing to his lack of response to physical stimuli, signed death certificate and execution of his last will and testament. One doctor cannot define ‘death’ . . . unless it’s me.”
Mr. Williams’ son and daughter, whose long and heated court battle over his remains became national news, were unavailable for comment.
Williams played 19 seasons for the Boston Red Sox had an astonishing .344 career batting average and 521 home runs. Known as ‘The Splendid Splinter’, Williams was a fiery character who used his baseball prowess to overcome his fiery temperament and volatile relationship with teammates.
“Sure people hated him, but man could he hit,” longtime Red Sox fan Bill O’Malley said. “I hope they bring him back to life so that he can see that World Series Trophy.”
Others, however, are uncertain that this is ethically correct or even important. 2004 Presidential candidate and Massachusetts Senator, John Kerry points out that “we are currently in the midst of the war on terror. We’ve got an unprecedented deficit, our public schools are failing . . . the President even wants to cut funding to Medicare and Medicaid, the two institutions that might help to cover the astronomical cost of raising the dead.”
White House Press Secretary, Scott McClellan, categorized Mr. Kerry’s remarks as “sour grapes.”
Speaking at a Town Hall Meeting, President Bush addressed the carefully selected and screened participants, saying, “If we allow Teddy Ballgame to persist in a lifeless state the terrorists win. Honestly, who do you want to interpret laws? A bunch of activist judges or a crazy Texan?”
Participants were not allowed to offer their opinions.
Bush Declares Ted Williams "Not Dead"
Bush Declares Ted Williams "Not Dead"
[size=75]You are as bad as Alan, and even he hits the mark sometimes. -charlie
"Not all conservatives are stupid, but most stupid people are conservative." - John Stuart Mill[/size]
"Not all conservatives are stupid, but most stupid people are conservative." - John Stuart Mill[/size]
They will want to get rid of hospice next. Hospice kills thousands a year under the guise of pain management. It's funny how people who believe in a god want science on their side some of the time to keep people's bodies alive ad nasuem without any higher brain function. This is another perfect example of how inadequate science education in this country is. Most of the news anchors can't even keep up with their guests.
The theory of evolution is just as stupid as the theories of gravity and electromagnetism.
