Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One muffin says, "My! It is HOT in here."
The other muffin says. . .
"OH NO! A talking muffin!!!!!!!"
Jokes and jokes and jokes
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anticlmber
- Posts: 3393
- Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2003 12:34 am
I hope this one isn't on here already; I didn't feel like reading through nine pages to find out.
A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender is a little uneasy, but the neutron assures him that he is quite harmless. Once he sets the barkeep at ease, the neutron orders a beer. Bartender gives it to him, he guzzles it down, and slams the glass on the table.
"That's a good brew," says the neutron, and orders another. Once again, he chugs his pint and slams the glass down. He repeats this a few more times while the bartender watches in amazement, filling up glass after glass until the neutron has had his fill. Satisfied, he wipes the froth from his mouth (or whatever orifice a neutron might drink beer through) and says, "What's the damage, barkeep?"
The bartender responds, "For you neutron, no charge."
A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender is a little uneasy, but the neutron assures him that he is quite harmless. Once he sets the barkeep at ease, the neutron orders a beer. Bartender gives it to him, he guzzles it down, and slams the glass on the table.
"That's a good brew," says the neutron, and orders another. Once again, he chugs his pint and slams the glass down. He repeats this a few more times while the bartender watches in amazement, filling up glass after glass until the neutron has had his fill. Satisfied, he wipes the froth from his mouth (or whatever orifice a neutron might drink beer through) and says, "What's the damage, barkeep?"
The bartender responds, "For you neutron, no charge."
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anticlmber
- Posts: 3393
- Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2003 12:34 am
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'? She slams the door again later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have a vagina'? 'Yes' she says. The man replies: Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?
This lady is having an affair with another man when all of a sudden her husband comes home. With no time to escape she quickly covers the man in baby oil and then put baby powder all over him and then says, "go stand in the corner and don't move." ABout the time the guy gets into place the husband comes into the room, kisses his wife and exclaims, "what is that?" pointing at the statue.
The wife says, "its a statue, I saw one over at the smiths not to long ago and it looked so nice i decided to get us one." she replies. "Huh" her husband says.
That night about two o'clock the husband gets up out of bed and goes down stairs and fixes a sandwich and some milk. He walks back up stairs to the bed room and walking over to the statue he holds them out and says, "here, i was at the smith's house for three days before anyone even offered me a glass of water."
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'? She slams the door again later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have a vagina'? 'Yes' she says. The man replies: Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?
This lady is having an affair with another man when all of a sudden her husband comes home. With no time to escape she quickly covers the man in baby oil and then put baby powder all over him and then says, "go stand in the corner and don't move." ABout the time the guy gets into place the husband comes into the room, kisses his wife and exclaims, "what is that?" pointing at the statue.
The wife says, "its a statue, I saw one over at the smiths not to long ago and it looked so nice i decided to get us one." she replies. "Huh" her husband says.
That night about two o'clock the husband gets up out of bed and goes down stairs and fixes a sandwich and some milk. He walks back up stairs to the bed room and walking over to the statue he holds them out and says, "here, i was at the smith's house for three days before anyone even offered me a glass of water."
Like me on facebook but hate me in real life
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anticlmber
- Posts: 3393
- Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2003 12:34 am
Two mexicans are stuck in the desert after illegally crossing the border into the United States, lost and out of food and water they are about to lie down and accept their deaths when all of a sudden Luis says...
hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? ess bacon I theenk..
Si Luis, it sure smells like bacon...
with renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and sure enough... there is a tree with all types of bacon hanging from every branch.
right in front of them is fried bacon, raw bacon, back bacon , double smoked bacon..
Pepe, Pepe, we ess saved !! ess a bacon tree..
Luis, maybe ess a meerage, wees in the desert you know..
Pepe, Pepe when did ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon, its a bacon tree !
with that, Luis staggers up to the tree with Pepe right behind him, all of a sudden a machine gun opens up on the two..Luis now mortally wounded tells Pepe with his dying breath... you was right.. ess not a bacon tree..
But Luis Luis mi amigo, wut ess it??
Pepe ess,
ess
ess
ess
ess a Ham bush...
hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? ess bacon I theenk..
Si Luis, it sure smells like bacon...
with renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and sure enough... there is a tree with all types of bacon hanging from every branch.
right in front of them is fried bacon, raw bacon, back bacon , double smoked bacon..
Pepe, Pepe, we ess saved !! ess a bacon tree..
Luis, maybe ess a meerage, wees in the desert you know..
Pepe, Pepe when did ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon, its a bacon tree !
with that, Luis staggers up to the tree with Pepe right behind him, all of a sudden a machine gun opens up on the two..Luis now mortally wounded tells Pepe with his dying breath... you was right.. ess not a bacon tree..
But Luis Luis mi amigo, wut ess it??
Pepe ess,
ess
ess
ess
ess a Ham bush...