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well the piece is supposed to be a snap shot of what was going on in my head, so naturally emotions are going to be involved. also im not trying to focus on location, strictly just whats in my head; therefore, sensory details arent too important.

but i do get where your coming from about not feeling my emotions, but idk how to fix that.. suggestions???

make a video

I liked it and could very much identify with what is going on in your head. As of late, Ive noticed myself having this inner monologue of excuses while im climbing: If only the humidity was lower, why didn't i sleep more, I trained too hard last time, I didnt train enough last time.

All this while im trying to do something at my limit. These thoughts definitely aren't helping me up the route. I like how you overcame those thoughts, even if the result wasn't what you hoped for. Beat the bad thoughts today, and send tomorrow

Actually, one-fall is right. I think every climber can relate to this, but its easier and more fun to make fun of you and criticize. Keep at it.

Fine, you guys are right. I just don't think climbing translates that well to first-person writing, or writing at all for that matter, really--just my opinion.

Something constructive: The writing is strong and very personal, and it definitely gives a visceral immediacy to the experience. Maybe if you were to introduce a mental distraction of some kind--something going on in the narrator's "real life"--it could add gravitas. Such a device could create more of a narrative, a more layered story, and make for a more engaging read. The reader needs to feel that something more is at stake than just falling on a sport route and the narrator's feelings of self-loathing that result. WHY is the narrator so hard on himself? Why is succeeding on this route--a mostly abstract sort of "success"--so important to him? What is going on in his real life beyond this moment to make him feel this way? Or what happened to him in the past to shape exactly who he is now? You don't need to spell it out, but a hint of background would fill in the central character nicely.

I feel that you were making an attempt at a rap song, except you don't rhyme your words or clauses (or sentences in this case). The 8-mile song, "Lose Yourself", from Eminem stuck in my head as I read it - it's the short, "soup-label" sentences that give me that feel, plus the experience has some similarities.

[quote="dustonian"]Fine, you guys are right. I just don't think climbing translates that well to first-person writing, or writing at all for that matter, really--just my opinion.

Something constructive: The writing is strong and very personal, and it definitely gives a visceral immediacy to the experience. Maybe if you were to introduce a mental distraction of some kind--something going on in the narrator's "real life"--it could add gravitas. Such a device could create more of a narrative, a more layered story, and make for a more engaging read. The reader needs to feel that something more is at stake than just falling on a sport route and the narrator's feelings of self-loathing that result. WHY is the narrator so hard on himself? Why is succeeding on this route--a mostly abstract sort of "success"--so important to him? What is going on in his real life beyond this moment to make him feel this way? Or what happened to him in the past to shape exactly who he is now? You don't need to spell it out, but a hint of background would fill in the central character nicely.[/quote]

actually the idea of giving some background throughout the story wouldnt be a bad idea. i think i might edit it adding some past expirence on this same route

I think B. Ben does you a real favor in citing Wallace Stegner. Dustonian's last is very insightful too, imho. so let me ask, for anyone who can appreciate your inner monologue, what did you hope to convey?

edit-specifically: you seem to touch on effort and tomorrows, the moment of longed for success and validation, the sacrifices made. you editorialize the abstractions, not conducive to first person narration, perhaps?

its just an abstract piece about what goes on in my head while climbing. but there are a few small morals for the reader as well.