Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still
Lawyer Jokes
-
squeezindlemmon
- Posts: 1452
- Joined: Mon Apr 12, 2004 7:02 pm
Ok, normally I like the lawyer jokes. I could have done without this one.Sunshine wrote:True or false:
You can get pregnant from anal sex.
True. Where do you think lawyers come from!
I'm an experienced woman; I've been around... well, alright, I might not've been around, but I've been... nearby.
~ Mary Richards (Mary Tyler Moore Show)
~ Mary Richards (Mary Tyler Moore Show)
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. There was a board listing the types of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store but he had forgotten his glasses so he questioned the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?" asked the man, squinting at the board.
"Three dollars an ounce," said the brain butcher.
"How much does it cost for computer programmer brain?"
"That's four dollars an ounce, sir"
"Hmmmm. How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"$1,000 an ounce?!?" exclaimed the man. "Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
The butcher replied, "Do you have any idea how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?" asked the man, squinting at the board.
"Three dollars an ounce," said the brain butcher.
"How much does it cost for computer programmer brain?"
"That's four dollars an ounce, sir"
"Hmmmm. How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"$1,000 an ounce?!?" exclaimed the man. "Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
The butcher replied, "Do you have any idea how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
[size=75]You are as bad as Alan, and even he hits the mark sometimes. -charlie
"Not all conservatives are stupid, but most stupid people are conservative." - John Stuart Mill[/size]
"Not all conservatives are stupid, but most stupid people are conservative." - John Stuart Mill[/size]
Haha, very original. I like itAlan Evil wrote:A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. There was a board listing the types of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store but he had forgotten his glasses so he questioned the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?" asked the man, squinting at the board.
"Three dollars an ounce," said the brain butcher.
"How much does it cost for computer programmer brain?"
"That's four dollars an ounce, sir"
"Hmmmm. How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"$1,000 an ounce?!?" exclaimed the man. "Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
The butcher replied, "Do you have any idea how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
Lawyers & Disorder in the American Courts
These are excerpts from a new book called “Disorder in the American Courts”, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, recorded and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and not laughing while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_______________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
These are excerpts from a new book called “Disorder in the American Courts”, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, recorded and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and not laughing while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_______________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthen's me.